Another Intermission

I haven’t posted this weekend, and probably won’t. Just letting everyone know I just started attending school again, which is probably going to take up a significant amount of my time. On top of this, I am co-creating a podcast with a close friend over at and will be devoting a large portion of creative juices to that.

In short, I will be posting less and I’m sorry but it’s for a good reason.

Idiocy Award: ME!

I apologize for not posting today, it’s one of those days where my body gives me the finger and leaves me on the floor in the fetal position. I promise I’ll post again soon (maybe tomorrow?) but until then, have a picture of a monkey hugging a puppy:




Mind Games

I spend a lot of time talking about stupid people and all of the stupid things that they do with their stupid time. In the spirit of fairness, I will now talk about how incredibly stupid my own brain can be.


Not shown: my Stupid area.

I have an extremely active mind. My mind is a little like the Energizer Bunny meets the simple dog (I apologize for how long that post is, but it’s really the only way to explain that comment) after having ten gallons of soda laced with crack. Also, there’s a Pogo-stick involved in there somewhere. My point is, at any given moment, my mind is rushing at two million miles-an-hour and it has lost the ability to hit the brakes. I have found myself spending hours upon hours on many days doing nothing but reading Wikipedia articles. Much like another blogger (whose writing I very much like) mentioned a few weeks ago, I spend quite a bit of time at social functions on my phone Googling pretty much any thought that comes into my mind (Do ducks lay more than one egg a day?)

Now, on most days, I consider all of these things a positive. I like to think that when I can tell you exactly who starred in Super Mario Bros (Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo, by the way), I am impressing you with my amazing ability to type useless questions into Google and produce useless information, rather than the greater likelihood that I’m really just creeping you out. However, every once in a while, my mind likes to open my brain, grab a hammer and proceed to hit me over and over again in the face until I cry.

Via Wikipedia

Because thinking about this movie doesn’t make me cry already…

Tonight is one of those nights.

As I was laying in bed winding down, I clicked a link someone sent me to a movie trailer on YouTube (here). The movie is called Harmless and it has everything you could want in a horror movie: suspenseful music, well-timed close-ups, and, of course, the “shaky-cam” (which I typed into Google to see if I spelled that right) that every horror movie has lately. It even has a horror movie monster! Unfortunately, that monster is a box of porn. That kills people. Yes you are reading this right. It is an entire movie exploring the thought that has lingered on all of our minds: what if porn could kill people?

I’m willing to bet that none of you watched that video and, I don’t know, immediately sat up all night looking over your shoulder to make sure you weren’t being stalked by porn (which, for most men, shouldn’t sound like  a bad thing). The only exception to that rule are my 7-year-old readers (who don’t know what porn is) to whom I say: go ask your parents (Sorry parents!). Yet, I find myself awake at 4 AM listening to funny podcasts with the lights on because my brain is terrified that THERES A BOX OF PORN BEHIND YOU OH DEAR LORD THE INHUMANITY AHHHHHHHHHH


I hear the Jaws music when I see this picture.

So, to those of you who think that I think I am above the rest of you: I don’t. It turns out, I’m just as crazy and silly as everyone else; my crazy is just funnier.

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Idiocy Award: Cashier Debate

As I’ve written before, people treat customer service workers like trash. Entitled jerks spend every day chipping away at the self-esteem of every person who is required, as a job description, to take all of their hatred with a smile. Cashiers are on the receiving end of everything from rage filled rants to political grandstanding. My heart goes out to these men and women who wake up every day and face an onslaught of stupidity with a smile, even if it is a fake one. However, much like angry feminist who reverses years gender equality progress by making everyone hate her guts, there is occasionally a person in customer service who makes me want to reach over the counter and strangle them to death.

This weeks Idiocy Award goes to one of those people, a cashier who will be known to me as the founding member of Target’s Debate Team.

There is an old saying in customer service, “The customer is always right.” Though I concede that it is not true 100% of the time, it is always best to give each customer the benefit of the doubt and, most importantly, let them be right if they are wrong when it is over something that will have no lasting permanent effect on your job, your store and your life in general.

A few days ago, I decided to make Alfredo sauce for my wife (I have a family recipe that is to die for) and realized I was out of milk. As people do in these situations, I walked to our local target (it’s the only store within walking distance), picked out milk and a few snacks (cheese its I believe) and proceeded to the check out counter. This, as I’m sure you’ve assumed by now, is when I met her.

Everything was pretty normal, right up until she began to bag my three items. She put my milk in one bag, then the two snacks in the other. Being that I walk with a cane (as you may already know if you read regularly), I asked if she could consolidate the items so that I only have to carry one bag. Here is how that conversation went:

Me: “Can you put those in one bag?”

Her: “No.” *continues bagging items*

Me: “Why not?”

Her: “Because the milk is cold and cold items cannot be bagged with dry items”

Me: “Oh, I don’t mind. I’m just walking down the street.”

Her: “Sir, I said I can’t.”

Me: “Well, can I do it for you?”

Her: “No, you can’t. Do I need to get a manager?”

For those who have seen Anger Management, this scene played out just like the airplane scene, except I didn’t get tazed. I was asking a reasonable question in a reasonable way and she shut me down immediately, acting like I had slapped her in the face or called her baby ugly. I’m pretty sure she was about two seconds from punching me in the face if I dared suggest she condense my three items to one bag again.

So, congratulations, Target Debate Lady. You’ve made me lose just a little bit more faith in humanity.

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Ranty’s Idiocy Awards

I’ve recently done a small overhaul of the blog, adding categories and tags to each of the posts and making things look vaguely appealing for my readers. I did this for many reasons. I wanted the blog to be generally more organized and informative. I wanted it to be easier to read for you, my readers. Mostly, I just wanted the people at Freshly Pressed to say “Gee wiz, that Ranty guy deserves free advertisement!” because most of my motivations revolve around getting more attention.

During these renovations, I had several realizations. First off, I’m hilarious! Everyone should love me for this. Second (and far less important), I realized that more than half of my posts fell into the “Stupid People” category. This really doesn’t surprise me, because as I’ve mentioned before, people are really stupid sometimes usually all the time. That said, I don’t want my blog to be just about how stupid people can be; after all, inanimate objects and animals can be just as stupid sometimes!

Thus, Ranty’s Idiocy Award was born! This weekly post will be thrown at you every friday and will feature one of the many, many people I run into on a daily basis who chip away at my faith in the human race. This will free me up to continue yelling about the idiocy of everything else in the world every Monday!

So, until Friday, keep spreading the word about just how much you love me and my blog on Facebook and Twitter and where ever else you like to hang out!

Oblivious Donating

I hate “Awareness” campaigns.

Don’t think I am ranting about people who support a cause. Assuming you aren’t donating to “People Against Dogs” or the Westboro Baptist Church, donating money is a great way to give to someone in need without having to get sweaty building an orphanage.

What I can’t stand, however, is donating to campaigns who’s only purpose is to inform people that someone else needs donations. These organizations literally exist for the sole purpose of raising awareness about an issue. This may have been a great idea pre-Internet, but these days all it takes is a little trip down Google lane to get all the information about an issue you could ever want. Why spend millions of dollars a year raising awareness when all it takes is a website and five minutes?

Breast Cancer awareness is the biggest culprit here. I’m pretty sure that everyone but five people in Alaska (if you are one of those five people, click here. Also, welcome to the 21st century!) have heard of breast cancer, know that they need to have a doctor check out lumps and know that exams save lives. We don’t need a multi million dollar campaign to tell us this. Those are millions upon millions of dollars that aren’t going towards curing cancer or supporting victims of cancer or buying big screen televisions for cancer; all that money does is say “Hey! Cancer! It’s bad!”

That’s where my primary issue lies. Awareness takes money from Progress. Rather than getting somewhere, we are just standing in a circle talking to each other about the problem while it kills us. We buy t-shirts and bumper stickers and pretty much anything that says “I ❤ Boobies” on it and all that money just funnels into more t-shorts and bumper stickers and commercials that tell us about why we should love boobies.

Now, before the influx of “My mother/aunt/daughter/post-op brother-in-law died of cancer! How dare you make fun of them!” emails/comments, let me clarify: Breast Cancer, like all cancers (including especially funny bone cancer), is no laughing matter. Cancer claims thousands of lives every year and is a very serious illness in our society. I just think that we shouldn’t waste our money informing each other and instead put that money to better use beating cancer.

Preferably in a dark alleyway. With a lead pipe.

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Me: An Intermission

This isn’t a Rant. This is an unapologetic advertisement.

If you like my blog and enjoy reading my ridiculous opinions, please share it with the world. You can like my facebook page here, follow my twitter account here (For those who already follow, I promise I’ll try to tweet more often!) and follow the blog itself at the bottom of the page (Just enter your email address or log into your wordpress account and enjoy!). Share this post (Or any other post I’ve made!) on Facebook or Twitter by clicking the appropriate icon after this post. Comment on my blog or send me an email if you have any praise/hate to spread!

And remember kids: every time someone follows my blog, an angel gets its wings. Or indigestion. I never can remember which.

My Gay Opinions

I have and will always try to avoid political debate on this blog. I think that politics fall into a weird category where, no matter how logically you present an argument, there will always be people who vehemently oppose you and utterly ignore what you are saying. Most often, these are people who are logical themselves, but politics just turns them into frothy rage monsters.

That said, today I’m going to present my views on a political issue and defend how I feel about it. I ask that everyone who reads this post read every word and take at least 5 minutes to wipe away the froth before commenting/emailing/boycotting my blog about how wrong I am.

I am a Christian who believes the bible is truth and God inspired, and I support Gay Marriage.

There are a few things you need to understand before you write me off as just another liberal. First, homosexuality is a sin, plain a day. It is condemned in the old testament twice, along with every other sin we as fallen humans can commit. Like eating pork. Understanding that, I cannot tell someone who is sinning (by liking other men) that he can’t get married when I, a sinner (by liking pork), am allowed to marry. That’s what we call hypocrisy and, guess what, that’s a sin too.

Second, I love homosexuals. Christ taught us to love everyone like we love ourselves. I love myself quite a bit (I avoid mirrors because I’m forced to make sexy eyes in one every time I walk by) so if I truly want to be Christ-like I must love everyone else just as much.

All of that said, there is a fundamental problem with the conservative argument against gay marriage. The biggest opposition says that allowing same-sex marriage would compromise the biblical example of marriage. One problem with that argument: we are not a Christian nation. It’s plain and simple. We are a Muslim nation and a Hindu nation and an atheist nation and a Christian nation and, heck, a Scientologist nation. No one is asking Christians to redefine homosexuality as not a sin. We cannot write laws to cater to one religion. If we do that, we are destroying a fundamental tenant that makes our nation so great: Freedom of Religion.

Allowing gay marriage at a government level will not hurt your religion. You can preach at a pulpit that you disagree with homosexuality and try to convert homosexuals to your point of view without forcing them to be second-class citizens. All the Gay Rights movement wants is to have he same rights we as straight people enjoy, nothing more. They want to be treated as equals, as sinners in a fallen world who need Christ’s love.

So, there’s my opinion. If you have a logical, well thought out response to this, please feel free to comment or email me! If this post makes you angry and want to spew hate at me or another commenter, please seek help. That sounds unhealthy.

Monday, we will return to your regularly scheduled Rant.

Note: you should applaud me for this post. It was done one-handed on an iPhone because I cannot feel my right arm!

Handicapped Places

People in our society have absolutely no clue how to treat a disabled person.

The one year anniversary of quitting my job and journeying into “gimp land” is fast approaching. In this last year, I have learned a lot about what it’s like to be a disabled person in a society of able-bodied people. From the big things (Always have a walking buddy if you go anywhere, in case your body decides “This is a good time to stop working.”) to the little things (Never wear laced shoes in public. Try to tie your shoes without bending your knees and you will understand this.), there are a million and one things that you have to know as a disabled person that no one can teach you. It’s like a toddler learning to walk: it can only be learned through experience (although it’s far less “crawling before walking,” and more “falling before limping.”) Unfortunately, for every lesson I learn about myself during this transition, I learn two about other people. Most of these lessons can be generalized to “People suck.”

There is a school of thought that surfaced in my generation (20-30 year olds) stressing that handicapped people are exactly the same as able-bodied people. The Special Olympics, “handi-capable” groups and seminars that teach “Bob in Accounting is just like you despite missing his legs,” all tell us that we should always treat disabled people as equals. A lot of these groups insist that offering any courtesy to a disabled person that you wouldn’t offer to an able-bodied person is, at best, ignorant; at worst, it is an insulting display of discrimination. Thanks to many of these groups, we who are disabled enjoy the freedom and equality that our able-bodied brethren enjoy every single day. On paper this may make you want to wear American flag boxers to bed and sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” in the shower. Unfortunately, as often is the nature of these things, the world refuses to work the way it does on paper.

There is a fundamental problem with this belief: people with disabilities are not the same as able-bodied people. Heck, one disability isn’t even the same as another. Bob from Accounting needs plenty of special treatment in order for him to get through his work day; he needs elevators, ramps, a work space that is accessible from his wheelchair and co-workers who would stop putting the sugar on the top shelf in the break room. Is he less of a human because of it? Hell no, (Unless you measure humanity by mass, in which case the answer is “Hell yes.” Also, “Seek help.”) but you can’t treat him like any other coworker, because he isn’t like any of your other coworkers.

Here’s a personal example: I went to Taco Bell by myself on the way to a doctor’s appointment recently. When my number was called, I walked to the counter (using my cane to steady myself, as I often do) and proceeded to awkwardly try to balance the tray in my free hand. After several minutes of mastering this hilarious circus act, I slowly made my way to the soda fountain and filled my drink up before realizing I now had two things to balance in my one hand. Luckily, an incredibly helpful man walked over and carried my tray for me (thankfully avoiding the “grandpa” jokes I always hear so often) and I enjoyed my bean paste wrapped in tortilla-like paper.

What’s the point of that story? The entire time this was going on, there were two perfectly healthy, able-bodied people behind the counter watching me; there was no line and no one else to help. They just stood there and stared awkwardly as I fumbled my way across the room without ever asking if I needed help. It’s entirely possible (and likely) that their decision to not help me was more driven by laziness than the desire to be seen as an equal opportunity establishment, but their defense if pressed would’ve absolutely been that I had not asked for assistance and therefore could handle myself. I ran into this at my last job: we were taught to never offer help to someone with a disability unless they asked for it first. The problem with this logic is that asking for help when you are disabled is really freaking hard. Being disabled already makes you feel like a giant cancerous burden on your friends and family, no one in their right mind wants to add “random people” to that list.

The point is, we aren’t all on equal footing when it comes to everyday tasks. Some of us are at a disadvantage and need that extra bit to get us through the day. So please, the next time you see a guy standing on a bus with a cane, give him your seat. You never know if he could be an internet blogger, and I know I’d much rather be remembered as an insultingly helpful person than an ass who is too politically correct to lend a hand.

If you’re so helpful it hurts, or you think I’m a giant tool, please post a comment!
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I Liek Ur Blog

As anyone who knows how to use the internet is aware (and I’m assuming that means a majority of my readers), there is an entire society that has burst into existence in cyberspace. And as anyone who has spent enough time on the internet knows, that society is a horrible, horrible place.

We’ve all heard stories about the level of human indecency that can be achieved when you give a person the ability to communicate with almost anyone in the world while still retaining nearly complete anonymity. There was a man with alleged mental illnesses posting hateful comments on “In Memory Of” videos on YouTube and causing grief to the victims’ loved ones. There was a group of grown men harassing a teenage girl over MySpace because she posted suicidal messages. We can’t forget that the internet is also home to the soulless person who also invented spam e-mails.

This blog is not about them.

Don’t get me wrong, I think all of those things are horrible, but they are isolated incidents. Just like watching a disturbing news story, it doesn’t represent a majority of the human population or even the population of just the United States. They are the bizarre exceptions to the rules we have placed on our society. The problem arises when those exceptions become the rules.

It’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I like video games quite a lot. Specifically, I enjoy playing video games over the internet with random strangers that I have never met and will most likely never speak to again. As anyone who plays video games over the internet or frequents an internet forum or reads YouTube comments will tell you, there is an epidemic of laziness spreading throughout the world.

It probably began at some point when someone realized they could type u instead of you. Then some1 else realized that u could shorten quite a few statements by just takin off a few letters. Or takin out punctuation so that u can save a few precious characters so that it fits in ur text message. All logical conclusions, but that’s when logic ended.

R3plac1n l3tt3rs w1th numb3rs mak3s n0 s3ns3, 1t d03sn’t sh0rt3n a stat3m3nt, 1t mak3s 1t hard3r t0 r3ad. Spelling words differently, such as speshul instead of special, does not shorten them or make it faster. That is literally the same amount of characters and actually took more effort to type because my brain forced me to spend three seconds resisting the spell check prompt.

And it is constantly getting worse. Every time I think I have begun to understand what the current typing convention is a new one is invented that is even more baffling than the last. It has gotten to the point where there is a huge divide between those people who value grammar and spelling and those who have apparently lost the cognitive ability to make sense.

Worse yet, it has leaked into the real world. I recently became friends with someone I met at one of those work parties that you don’t want to go to but do anyways on the off-chance you’ll have fun. We exchanged contact information, presumably so that we could hang out at a later date, and went on our merry ways. She sent me a text message a few days later and I have literally been unable to hold a conversation with her through text messages because she clearly was in some horrible accident the day after and has lost all control of her fingers.

So, that being said, I ask that you take one thing away from this blog: for my sake and the sake of others like me, show some pride in your words. Take that extra two seconds to type out “you”. Go ahead and add a comma, it won’t bite. Go forth and populate the interweb with well thought out YouTube comments and spell checked forum posts. And most of all, please learn to spell before you text me again. I can’t understand a single word of your last one.