Another Intermission

I haven’t posted this weekend, and probably won’t. Just letting everyone know I just started attending school again, which is probably going to take up a significant amount of my time. On top of this, I am co-creating a podcast with a close friend over at and will be devoting a large portion of creative juices to that.

In short, I will be posting less and I’m sorry but it’s for a good reason.

Idiocy Award: ME!

I apologize for not posting today, it’s one of those days where my body gives me the finger and leaves me on the floor in the fetal position. I promise I’ll post again soon (maybe tomorrow?) but until then, have a picture of a monkey hugging a puppy:




Mind Games

I spend a lot of time talking about stupid people and all of the stupid things that they do with their stupid time. In the spirit of fairness, I will now talk about how incredibly stupid my own brain can be.


Not shown: my Stupid area.

I have an extremely active mind. My mind is a little like the Energizer Bunny meets the simple dog (I apologize for how long that post is, but it’s really the only way to explain that comment) after having ten gallons of soda laced with crack. Also, there’s a Pogo-stick involved in there somewhere. My point is, at any given moment, my mind is rushing at two million miles-an-hour and it has lost the ability to hit the brakes. I have found myself spending hours upon hours on many days doing nothing but reading Wikipedia articles. Much like another blogger (whose writing I very much like) mentioned a few weeks ago, I spend quite a bit of time at social functions on my phone Googling pretty much any thought that comes into my mind (Do ducks lay more than one egg a day?)

Now, on most days, I consider all of these things a positive. I like to think that when I can tell you exactly who starred in Super Mario Bros (Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo, by the way), I am impressing you with my amazing ability to type useless questions into Google and produce useless information, rather than the greater likelihood that I’m really just creeping you out. However, every once in a while, my mind likes to open my brain, grab a hammer and proceed to hit me over and over again in the face until I cry.

Via Wikipedia

Because thinking about this movie doesn’t make me cry already…

Tonight is one of those nights.

As I was laying in bed winding down, I clicked a link someone sent me to a movie trailer on YouTube (here). The movie is called Harmless and it has everything you could want in a horror movie: suspenseful music, well-timed close-ups, and, of course, the “shaky-cam” (which I typed into Google to see if I spelled that right) that every horror movie has lately. It even has a horror movie monster! Unfortunately, that monster is a box of porn. That kills people. Yes you are reading this right. It is an entire movie exploring the thought that has lingered on all of our minds: what if porn could kill people?

I’m willing to bet that none of you watched that video and, I don’t know, immediately sat up all night looking over your shoulder to make sure you weren’t being stalked by porn (which, for most men, shouldn’t sound like  a bad thing). The only exception to that rule are my 7-year-old readers (who don’t know what porn is) to whom I say: go ask your parents (Sorry parents!). Yet, I find myself awake at 4 AM listening to funny podcasts with the lights on because my brain is terrified that THERES A BOX OF PORN BEHIND YOU OH DEAR LORD THE INHUMANITY AHHHHHHHHHH


I hear the Jaws music when I see this picture.

So, to those of you who think that I think I am above the rest of you: I don’t. It turns out, I’m just as crazy and silly as everyone else; my crazy is just funnier.

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Idiocy Award: Cashier Debate

As I’ve written before, people treat customer service workers like trash. Entitled jerks spend every day chipping away at the self-esteem of every person who is required, as a job description, to take all of their hatred with a smile. Cashiers are on the receiving end of everything from rage filled rants to political grandstanding. My heart goes out to these men and women who wake up every day and face an onslaught of stupidity with a smile, even if it is a fake one. However, much like angry feminist who reverses years gender equality progress by making everyone hate her guts, there is occasionally a person in customer service who makes me want to reach over the counter and strangle them to death.

This weeks Idiocy Award goes to one of those people, a cashier who will be known to me as the founding member of Target’s Debate Team.

There is an old saying in customer service, “The customer is always right.” Though I concede that it is not true 100% of the time, it is always best to give each customer the benefit of the doubt and, most importantly, let them be right if they are wrong when it is over something that will have no lasting permanent effect on your job, your store and your life in general.

A few days ago, I decided to make Alfredo sauce for my wife (I have a family recipe that is to die for) and realized I was out of milk. As people do in these situations, I walked to our local target (it’s the only store within walking distance), picked out milk and a few snacks (cheese its I believe) and proceeded to the check out counter. This, as I’m sure you’ve assumed by now, is when I met her.

Everything was pretty normal, right up until she began to bag my three items. She put my milk in one bag, then the two snacks in the other. Being that I walk with a cane (as you may already know if you read regularly), I asked if she could consolidate the items so that I only have to carry one bag. Here is how that conversation went:

Me: “Can you put those in one bag?”

Her: “No.” *continues bagging items*

Me: “Why not?”

Her: “Because the milk is cold and cold items cannot be bagged with dry items”

Me: “Oh, I don’t mind. I’m just walking down the street.”

Her: “Sir, I said I can’t.”

Me: “Well, can I do it for you?”

Her: “No, you can’t. Do I need to get a manager?”

For those who have seen Anger Management, this scene played out just like the airplane scene, except I didn’t get tazed. I was asking a reasonable question in a reasonable way and she shut me down immediately, acting like I had slapped her in the face or called her baby ugly. I’m pretty sure she was about two seconds from punching me in the face if I dared suggest she condense my three items to one bag again.

So, congratulations, Target Debate Lady. You’ve made me lose just a little bit more faith in humanity.

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Ranty’s Idiocy Awards

I’ve recently done a small overhaul of the blog, adding categories and tags to each of the posts and making things look vaguely appealing for my readers. I did this for many reasons. I wanted the blog to be generally more organized and informative. I wanted it to be easier to read for you, my readers. Mostly, I just wanted the people at Freshly Pressed to say “Gee wiz, that Ranty guy deserves free advertisement!” because most of my motivations revolve around getting more attention.

During these renovations, I had several realizations. First off, I’m hilarious! Everyone should love me for this. Second (and far less important), I realized that more than half of my posts fell into the “Stupid People” category. This really doesn’t surprise me, because as I’ve mentioned before, people are really stupid sometimes usually all the time. That said, I don’t want my blog to be just about how stupid people can be; after all, inanimate objects and animals can be just as stupid sometimes!

Thus, Ranty’s Idiocy Award was born! This weekly post will be thrown at you every friday and will feature one of the many, many people I run into on a daily basis who chip away at my faith in the human race. This will free me up to continue yelling about the idiocy of everything else in the world every Monday!

So, until Friday, keep spreading the word about just how much you love me and my blog on Facebook and Twitter and where ever else you like to hang out!

Oblivious Donating

I hate “Awareness” campaigns.

Don’t think I am ranting about people who support a cause. Assuming you aren’t donating to “People Against Dogs” or the Westboro Baptist Church, donating money is a great way to give to someone in need without having to get sweaty building an orphanage.

What I can’t stand, however, is donating to campaigns who’s only purpose is to inform people that someone else needs donations. These organizations literally exist for the sole purpose of raising awareness about an issue. This may have been a great idea pre-Internet, but these days all it takes is a little trip down Google lane to get all the information about an issue you could ever want. Why spend millions of dollars a year raising awareness when all it takes is a website and five minutes?

Breast Cancer awareness is the biggest culprit here. I’m pretty sure that everyone but five people in Alaska (if you are one of those five people, click here. Also, welcome to the 21st century!) have heard of breast cancer, know that they need to have a doctor check out lumps and know that exams save lives. We don’t need a multi million dollar campaign to tell us this. Those are millions upon millions of dollars that aren’t going towards curing cancer or supporting victims of cancer or buying big screen televisions for cancer; all that money does is say “Hey! Cancer! It’s bad!”

That’s where my primary issue lies. Awareness takes money from Progress. Rather than getting somewhere, we are just standing in a circle talking to each other about the problem while it kills us. We buy t-shirts and bumper stickers and pretty much anything that says “I ❤ Boobies” on it and all that money just funnels into more t-shorts and bumper stickers and commercials that tell us about why we should love boobies.

Now, before the influx of “My mother/aunt/daughter/post-op brother-in-law died of cancer! How dare you make fun of them!” emails/comments, let me clarify: Breast Cancer, like all cancers (including especially funny bone cancer), is no laughing matter. Cancer claims thousands of lives every year and is a very serious illness in our society. I just think that we shouldn’t waste our money informing each other and instead put that money to better use beating cancer.

Preferably in a dark alleyway. With a lead pipe.

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Me: An Intermission

This isn’t a Rant. This is an unapologetic advertisement.

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